How to get rich quick in nigeria without hard labour

If you want to get rich quick, here is the
Nigerian blueprint. But please, don't tell
anyone I "wiki-leaked" this highly-
classified national secret to you

1 Rob a bank
This strategy has gone through some
transition. Bank-robbers used to be men
of theunderworld who held banks
hostage at gunpoint and then made off
with the cash. However, it was soon
recognised that this approach has
distinct disadvantages. You might get
arrested and jailed. Even worse, you
might get shot. It also became apparent
that banks carry limited amounts of
cash.
Therefore, a successful bank robbery of
this violent kind might only land you
perhaps 50 million naira tops, which is
not even enough to buy or build a house
in Banana Island. There is a better way
to rob a bank with far limited risk. Simply
establish a bank.
When you establish a bank, you can rob
the bank every day without a gun. When
people deposit money in your bank, they
don't know that they are handing over
their life-savings to a thief. You then rob
the bank you establish in a number of
imaginative ways.
For example, you can lend money to
your bank and then charge it a very high
interest-rate. Better still, you can borrow
billions from your bank and simply forget
to pay it back. Or, you can use the
money deposited in your bank to buy
houses and then rent them out as
branches to your bank at exorbitant
prices.
This approach is guaranteed to make you
a fewbillion naira until the EFCC
policemen come calling. When they do,
you can quickly fall sick, spend a few
months in Deluxe Hospital Hotel and
then relocate to your village to
enjoyyour wealth, never to be heard of
again.

2 Join the PDP
This one is a sure banker. As a member
of the greatest party in the history of
Africa, you will be given a credit-card to
spend Nigeria's oil wealth. If you are not
getting enough attention in the party,
make a lot of noise. Abuse Tinubu on the
pages of the newspapers and call Buhari
an .
Insist that Goodluck Jonathan should not
only run for re-election unopposed in
2015, there should be a constitutional
amendment to make him a life-
president. This is a tell-tale sign thatyou
are hungry; and the powers-that-be will
soon invite you to "come and chop."
As a distinguished member of this great
party, the opportunities open for you to
set yourself up for life are considerable.
For example, you can start collecting
billions for petroleum subsidy and simply
not import any petrol whatsoever. You
can get the government to change all
car license-plates nationwide; and then
become the sole supplier of the new
license-plates.
You can ask the president to make you
the soleimporter and distributor of diesel
for the entirecountry. Of course, this
might also entail that you become the
chairman of his re-election campaign, to
which you duly make a
handsomecontribution. Alternatively, you
can ask to be chairman of the Nigerian
Ports Authority.
Nobody will bat an eyelid when, within a
matter of months, you have a fleet of
cars, havetwo or three houses in
Asokoro, and own four hotels in Dubai.
You may even kick out your wife and
marry a fourteen-year-old "Suzie"
befitting your new status. You have
arrived as one of Nigeria's celebrated
rich men. But keep your eyes on the
ball. Don't get distracted or carried
away. The enemies of Mr. President must
always remain your enemies.

3 Start a mega-church
This one is pure genius. Peradventure
you loseyour job or fall on hard times.
Don't go into depression. Just start a
church. Make it a purpose-built church.
Think of something that men need. Tell
them you have the anointing toprovide
it. Tell them whoever wants to be a
billionaire should come to your church.
Start afew of your messages with "Thus
says the Lord." Then teach your
congregation the everlasting principles
of sowing and reaping.
Make sure they understand that if they
really want God to bless them financially,
they first have to give you as much
money as possible. Create a special
prayer group for millionaires and
billionaires. That way, if they get any
new government contract they will
attribute it to the efficacy of your
prayers and credit something big into
your bank account. Tell everybody to
give you their "first-fruits."
That is a code word for their entire
January salaries. Then come up with
imaginative offerings to collect, such as
"prophet's offering," (you, of course,
being the prophet); "Father, Son and
Holy Ghost offerings;" "Jesus will do it
offering."
Very soon, you will be flying your own
private jet to preach your gospel in
Ilesha; you will be wearing white Armani
suits and jerry-curling your hair; you will
be collecting gate-fees for new years'
eve services; billionaire thieves
androbbers will be queuing up to see
your private-secretary on the Lagos-
Ibadan expressway. In short, you will be
living large. For good measure, you will
also be slapping demons out of poor
bewitched damsels with impunity.

4 Become a mule
There is high demand for this job. There
are many politicians and men of timber
and caliberlooking for mules; men who
can keep stolen money for them, or
smuggle it to safe havens abroad. This is
a highly lucrative job because for every
ten billion naira you smuggle, you can
pocket one billion. Don't get greedy and
come to the conclusion that you can
make off with the entire loot.
That is a sure way to have assassins on
your tail. Before they kill you, they will
first break your legs. If you are caught
while smuggling money abroad, you can
easily escape and comeback home
dressed as a woman. Then you can get a
national merit award.
If you are a mule for a president or a
governor,you are set up for life. You will
get 24 hours military protection so that
no petty thief can come near you. You
will get to travel all over the world. You
will get free medical check-ups,so that
you don't just fall down one day and die.
That would be disastrous, especially if
your sponsor does not know exactly
where you kept his loot, or if he does not
have the password to the secret account
you opened for it in the Bahamas in the
name of Ali Baba.

5 Obituary
I remember the story of a former
Nigerian Head of State who allegedly
kept a billion dollars with a mule. Then
the mule had a stroke. Every effort was
made to get him to say just a few words,
namely the number of theaccount where
the loot was stashed; but to no avail.
After a few months, the man died. This
"national" calamity has prompted the
review ofthe conditions of service of
mules. There are now two new, strictly
prohibited, clauses. Mules must not have
strokes, and under no circumstances
should a mule presume to die. If he
does, his generations yet unborn will
suffer for it.

(P.S./N.B. If you have perfected other
Nigerian approaches to quick wealth
than these, don't hesitate to let me
know. I promise to keep the matter
strictly confidential). Abeg if them catch
you no mention my name o! Infact, we
no meet sef. U no know me I no know U..
Gbam!

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